PRESETS AND CHOICES

We all have experienced the challenging child, whether parenting at home or teaching in a classroom. I like to call them "au contraire" children. You say "black", they say "white". No matter what you want them to do, they will resist or just simply refuse. You can demand obedience with yelling and anger, beg and plead until your face turns blue, or simply give up trying, out of exasperation. None of which will produce WILLING cooperation, which is the ultimate goal.

We all like to feel like we're in control. Children are no different. No one likes to be told what to do. So the question remains, HOW do we get children to cooperate, yet allow them to feel like they are in control. One answer is choices. Get the children involved in the decision-making process.

The adult must make the decision WHAT needs to be done. Say you need to do some grocery shopping. Most likely, you are already spending energy fretting about the inevitable protest. Instead, spend that energy on brainstorming ideas you will present to your child that will offer the child choices relating to HOW this will be accomplished. Before you even mention going to the store, give your child a "preset". These are the words we use to prepare a child for a future event. Children like to know what's coming. Suddenly interrupting their play is asking for trouble. Tell them "We are going to the store after lunch today. You will have time to play until the timer rings. Then we will clean up your toys and get our coats on to go." This is the preset. Be sure to allow yourself enough time to deal with possible resistance, when setting the timer.

When the bell rings, offer choices about HOW the clean-up will happen. "Shall we put away the red toys first, or the blue toys?" etc. Be sure to stay involved and offer choices all along the way if necessary. Younger children (2-4 years old) will only be able to handle 2 or 3 choices at a time.

When it's time to get your coats on, "Do you want Mommy to help you, or do you want to do it yourself?" Or maybe, "Do you want the red coat, or the green coat with the stripes?"

Now it's time to go to the car. "Would you like to walk to the car or shall Mommy carry you?"

On your way to the store, it's a good time for more presets. "When we get in the store, you may choose one fruit for yourself. Then you can help Mommy get the rest of the groceries." You may have to limit the fruit choices to a few on one particular shelf. Remember, too many choices are overwhelming for young children.

The more you practice these behavior management techniques, the easier they will become for you, and the more WILLINGLY cooperative your child will become.
Be patient. Be creative. Behave.